Writing and healing

Funny thing, writing.I really haven't felt like doing it for a very long time. I've done "work" writing. But very little else. And one reason for that is that I have felt I have little to say. The other was because I was worried about, when I said something, what other people would think.

Now, I'm beginning to think that "stuff" might have to be worked out in the writing. Thinking about it might not be enough. Maybe the only way to work out what to say is to start writing. And as for the other people: well, I'll work that out when it really is a problem. Right now it's not. And again, it probably will get worked out in the doing.

Cruelty and change

I have always been tough on myself. Achievement-oriented. Focused on doing well in exams and at work. And there have always been times when this has felt pointless and stupid but I've just kept going. Now I am not achieving anything. I am sitting around. Very little that I do is actually bearing fruit. It's a very odd time for me. And for the first time it feels quite cruel to beat myself up over it. Like chastising a child who can't drive for being too short to reach the pedals. I'm taking it easy (for me). And praying that it will all work out. Praying hard! But I will definitely be more comfortable when it's clear what I need to do...

My work...

...has fallen apart. I'm no longer getting commissions. I'm not sure why - the way I work and the standard of my work hasn't changed. But despite sending out CVs and calling people, I haven't had any work for three months. This is the first time this has been like this for over 10 years. It's difficult. It's embarrassing. Money is worrying and getting more so. It's getting hard to get up and stay doing stuff. I keep hoping that 'x' will fix it.But there have been so may 'x's and none of them have fixed it. So, what to do? Start writing I think. Writing what I want to write. This may not - probably won't - fix it. But there may be something else available from it. I'm not sure...but like everything here it's a journey, an exploration...

The path of the fool

Interestingly enough, when I started the ASOS course, I wrote that I felt like a fool. And now I think that's true. I am. One of the things I have realised in the last few months is that the path I am on could be described as the path of the fool. You fall over. Look an idiot. See things a little more clearly. Get up again. Fall over again...and on it goes. It's embarrassing and awkward and doesn't look good at all. People laugh at you (me!) Which is uncomfortable and difficult. But the clear-sightedness increases. As Sia says:"Healing is difficult" and in my experience she's not wrong. Looking good doesn't seem to be part of it. Let's make a list: People on the path of the fool: The Fool in King Lear; Sia doesn't seem to be afraid to look daft (she is so fabulous!); Jerry Wennstrom, one of my heros...and I'll add more when I run across worthy contenders...

Writing and healing

So, how do you awaken to your destiny? Particularly when you have spent nearly your whole life working very, very hard and doing stuff you don't particularly want to do? I've been wallowing for a while. Hoping that things will go back to the way they were - because it felt safe. Three months in though (I am stubborn, that's true) it looks like that just isn't going to happen. I don't think I am going to get back what I had. So I've been in a bit of a dark place. Tohu v'bohu. But even though it doesn't feel like anything much is happening, it is a rich, dark place.It is full of ideas. Things are unformed and swirling. They are chaotic. And it is painful, particularly to my former sense of self. But it is pregnant with possibility. I think the thing to do right now is to start writing (and I wince as I say that...) Write out what interests me and what I care about - healing, detective stories, politics, France, black madonnas, people finding their true destiny, what we are here for...that's just some of it. Always good to make a list...

Continuity and synthesis

It's been a while. I've been busy...I've moved country. I'm in year 2 of my course. And it's time to start writing again. So, this is the start. I'm not big on continuity I've noticed. Or haven't been. So maybe I can use this to thread all the various bits together. Let's see what I can weave...

Checking out the blueprint...

Tree of Life, 2001, Blueprint, drawing, pieced fabric, 36" x 58" x 2"
Originally uploaded by Cranbrook Art Academy

I started the course last Monday. Not sure how to describe what happened yet. I don't feel more inspired. I don't feel happier. I don't know what to do. My house didn't sell. But bizarrely enough I feel amused and just more connected. If you like I feel as if I am in the world rather than an observer. But I also feel amused - as I said. Like it's not so serious either. Mark says I feel lighter. I may just have to keep blogging this...

The Meaning of Love...

The Meaning of Love...
Originally uploaded by Colors of My Dreams

So I paid the deposit for the ASOS course. It's going to happen. My plan is to blog it here. At the moment I feel confused and lonely - not quite sure what is happening, what I am letting myself in for and if I am being a fool. I also feel as if after quite a difficult time, my life is comfortable and then today I drew the tower...I haven't had that since Dad died. Is my life going to turn upside down again? Am I going to lose everything and everyone again? The only thing I can hang onto is Jason's saying we "will be exploring this wonderful and mysterious life and learning how to be a healing presence for ourselves and others in this suffering world". Amen to that!

Energy

Dawn Rip-Wave, Atlantic Ocean
Originally uploaded by bovinacowboy

This is what I am lacking...this is what I need right now. So it's a quest to find it. I am going to check all of my activities. Do they give me more energy or less? Trevor has said more food, less sugar, less alcohol. I am also going to walk to work. But what of writing? Does that give me energy? And going out for coffee? And reading? Maybe I need to create a scale. I'm starting right now...

Coming out of the darkness

coming out of the darkness
Originally uploaded by Davydov

It has been a heavy old few days with fingers and illness and too much work. Think I am coming out now though. Maybe the thing is that you just can't write too much when it is dark. You just can't see the pen or the paper. Sometimes, maybe, the only thing to do is lie down and wait until it gets light again. Funny, it always seems to do that!

Fingers...

Rough days
Originally uploaded by bayat

Weird one on Saturday. I went downstairs to make pancakes for the naughty knickers girls and put my hand into the blender. Luckily it wasn't quite as bad as it sounds - my left hand was a bit cut up but it seems fine now. Can't quite figure out the connection between growing my hands and then injuring them. It was a bit weird actually because I got up that morning thinking great, I am finally well again and really looking forward to the weekend and then spent the day lying on the floor trying not to pass out. Anyhow I can type again with two hands which is great - part of me is just very very relieved it wasn't worse. I think life for a writer with only one hand would be tricky...

FortuneTeller (Alan Greenspan)

FortuneTeller (Alan Greenspan)
Originally uploaded by sfclay

Regarding my last post, this is a much more scary picture...I'm doing this thing at the moment where I am trying to link up the "real" world to my "inner" world in a meaningful way. I can so easily get lost in both. I think that may be what makes me ill. I get so far lost in the one that I lose touch with the other. When I look at pictures like this though and there were much more scary pictures of Greenspan on flickr I can see why. Now I have found my way out of the forest. do I have to deal with the real world all the time? Or can I dip in and out of the two? That would definitely be my preference but I have always had a problem with boundaries and moving in and out is sometimes painful....

Money or tranquillity?

Cottage at Kynance Cove
Originally uploaded by Erasmus T

I woke up this morning to Alan Greenspan on the Today programme saying: "Societies have to make choices as to whether they want more material well-being or more tranquillity. Regrettably, I think they cannot have both." Strange words to hear from an economic guru but all the more potent as a result. I think we've tried, since the fairy was born, to do the material well-being thing. We are not particularly good at it. It is literally making me ill. But I do want the tranquillity bit of it. Even the word sounds good. So I guess it might be a choice. I hadn't realised that.

Oh, no I have pleurisy, really....

Hypochondriacs_Wheel
Originally uploaded by Branded Consumer

Back to the being ill thing and not being able to stand it. My boy said today that he thought I was a hypochondriac and I reacted quite strongly - inwardly at least. I really feel as if I am so busy doing what I need to do to earn money most of the time that I just don't have enough time to just write...Maybe I get ill just to get a break. It does seem as if when I run out of books, I go back to work again.

Seven basic plots

Snow Queen
Originally uploaded by Laura Ward

I've been reading this book by Christopher Booker about the 7 basic plots. Only they really aren't that basic. Thought it is pretty interesting to see that I - and probably everyone - tends to like some plots over others. I really like "voyage and return" stories - where you lose youself in another world and come back transformed or not, depending on the author's preference. Brideshead is a voyage and return story but no-one gets transformed. Always wondered why I felt ambivalent. I also like rebirth stories - one of my favourites is HKA's The Snow Queen which also includes a quest. And of course, the Secret Garden..

By the way, I am still feeling lousy but getting used to it.

I have bear flu. . .

I have bear flu. . .
Originally uploaded by Phytheas Bear

Feeling worse today. This is the worst kind of blog isn't it? Indulgent. Sorry for itself. Good job nobody but me reads it. It makes me feel better though. I have this thing about illness. I always think I can "think" myself better - I think it must be mind over matter. And I get very annoyed when I can't. This one, I think, is one of those. Try as I can to dose myself up, I am not sleeping and when I wake up, I don't feel any better. The thing is though this seems to be happening to me a lot. Or it feels like it. Going to see Trevor next week - need to get this sorted. Or not.

Fuzzy Duck of Awesomeness

Fuzzy Duck of Awesomeness
Originally uploaded by rengawk

This is how I am feeling today. Very, very fuzzy around the edges. Am trying to work but also trying not to beat myself up that I am feeling fuzzy. This picture helps. A good thing happened last night though. In fact two good things happened yesterday. Lizzie sent me some contact details of some friends of hers who live in France and have just moved their Brighton. They sound very inspired and inspiring. And I started my French lessons. That wasn't so inspired and inspiring but I felt really excited about it. It feels like something is shifting and we may be moving on soon...

Having a poorly time

poorly
Originally uploaded by Chaymation

Think I must have caught the fairy's virus. It's not serious (!) but I really hate anything that makes me feel down or out of control. I feel as if everything is just a bit too much today and the house feels messy, sweaty and out of control too. In fact, lots of things feel out of control. I haven't billed for a while and I need to and I just feel as if I need a few days off my life. If anyone out there wants to come and be mummy that would be very nice...

The fairy is poorly

Fairy-cessories!! Of-Course!
Originally uploaded by DyeDye

The fairy has a virus so we are sitting at home in our pyjamas. If the truth be known I actually like these sweaty, smelly days. She sits on the sofa, with a laptop playing Japanese games and I sit at the dining table, surrounded by chaos, trying to work. The house has reached the stage of chaos where I am actually embarrassed and need to do something about it but haven't quite got to the action bit yet. Think I will go and take a shower in a moment but right now it's creative sitting here in the mess...

Suddenly got busy

A busy mind
Originally uploaded by NoOdLeMs

Suddenly work has started to take off again and I am rushing around trying to get it all done. One of the things I have always done is get up early in the morning to do some of the "work" writing but I just couldn't get up this morning. I just spend the time lying there with energy buzzing around my body - it felt like a much more useful way to spend my time. It was really lovely - I wonder if some people's bodies are buzzy like that all the time and that is why they spend so much more time than I do looking after them?