It's raining and I am worrying about organisation. I am worrying about how disorganised I am actually when it comes to my accounts. And I am also dying to escape and go and buy some wellies and walk in the rain. I have stacks of work to do and I should tidy the house but what I want to do is walk in the rain. It's 10 o'clock. Maybe what I will do is go and buy the wellies and walk. Later. But first I have to work. Or at least get some of it done.
There are spiders everywhere at the moment. Even crawling out of my accounts baskets into my accountant's home. I just read this: "Tarantulas (and all spiders) are the keepers of the primordial alphabet and can teach you how to write creatively. Her body is shaped like the number 8 and she has 8 legs, which is symbol of infinite possibilities of creation.
Her 8 legs represent the 4 winds of change and the 4 directions of the medicine wheel. Spider's message is that you are an infinite being who will continue to weave patterns of life and living throughout time. Do not fail to see the eternal plan of creation.
Those who weave magic with the written word usually have this totem."
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Feeling agitated
I feel very agitated today. Can't concentrate. Got too much energy floating around my body. But can't channel it. I have work to do and I can't do it because my mind just can't stay still. Am I ill? Am I OK and just a weak, pathetic person? I woke up early this morning and started going through my past and measuring all the manic stuff. I realised that I am afraid of being OK in case I do something to hurt the people I love. That I will just run away on a whim...never a good idea. This is scary. I am scared of my own energy.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Taking off
I walked around the corner and there, in the middle of the pond was a heron, just taking off. Totally beautiful. Utterly spectacular. And ever since I have been falling in love with everyone - the shamanic woman; my book-keeper - you name it. Not that I want to do anything about this falling in love stuff - it's wonderful. But I don't think it means anything. I think the one I'm looking for is still myself.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Water Lily and Dragonfly
Yesterday I did a wonderful workshop with some close girl friends and a lovely, shamanic faciliator. It was a real creature day with real spiders and webs everywhere and dragonflies flying out of my subconscious. I feel like I have opened a door - stepped through to a new stage in my wood. Not quite sure what it means but to go back to the dragonfly, it is the essence of the winds of change. And it brings the light and colour of transformation to your life apparently. Maybe the grey days are over for a while - we will see....
Friday, September 22, 2006
The only place
The only place I feel comfortable at the moment is in the woods. The fairy was invited to a party in one yesterday and we all sat around cooking sausages and marshmallows. I wanted to stay there for ever. To lie down on the cool, dark earth and sleep. There is something about trees that, as Sue would have said, soothes and strengthens. Bertie and I will go and explore a little later but right now I have to transcribe...
Thursday, September 21, 2006
I am telling other people's stories
That is what is happening. I am also using other people's pictures though I feel OK about that. Now it is time to start telling my own. My hands are still growing. Clarissa Pinkola Estes says "her hands grow back,, first as little baby hands, then as little girl hands and finally as women's hands."
Calling all goddesses
Definitely need help today. How do I balance the male things I have to do - writing articles and doing accounts with the stuff I want to do - writing for myself and following the inner journey? It is a beautiful day. I want to be outside. It is not a day for writing about things I don't care about to make money. Why have I set it up like this? I am praying to the Goddess to help me find a new way.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Lost keys
Today my beloved took my keys to work with him by mistake. I couldn't find them. Anywhere. I felt about 4 years old. Tears. Very, very, upset. Felt like he had definitely hidden them on purpose. Just to get me. I felt very on my own. Left to fend for myself. Wish I had a giant rabbit just like this one who could come and look after me. Maybe, just maybe there might be one in the woods. A rabbit that would look after me. And be mine...all mine.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
The hazy mood continues
It's strange. I don't want anyone to read this. Or know who I am. But I don't want to write in a secret book either. I want this out in the world. But hidden. This is the blog of my inner life. I don't want to talk about my outer life very much at the moment. I admire blogs that do. But this one isn't one of those. I think the fairy is creating a secret world at the moment. And it is hers. Not mine. It sounds pretty interesting. And it has definitely got ballet shoes in it....
Monday, September 18, 2006
Take me away from all this
I don't want to sit in the country today. I don't want to walk the dog. I don't want to write articles about complex contracts. I don't want to take the fairy to ballet. I want to be sitting in a costa drinking coffee. All by myself.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Dad's hands
Walking today and suddenly I had a thought. Dad will never have those papery old hands that Grandpy had. He will never have old hands. Instead of this being a happy thought - I really loved dad's hands - the weight behind it nearly knocked me over. Instant tears. The cuckoo trail suddenly became a green, misty blur. I think, 7 months down the line, this is grief. It's not there all the time, hurting every minute. It just comes out of the blue, every now and then. And it's strange but I like it. Fiercely. I like the fact that it makes me cry that my father will never have papery hands.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Brown, brown everywhere
It rained last night. Very heavily. A real electric storm. And today mushrooms seem to have sprouted up all over the woods. Literally hundreds of them. They are every shade of brown and orange. I'd never noticed the ponds were so brown either. Greeny-brown but brown all the same. When I walk - or rather am dragged through the woods - suddenly I notice I'm THERE. And everything becomes clear. Then I'm back in my head again, thinking, thinking. The mud helps - it's very difficult to think too much when there's masses of mud to be negotiated.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
This is the only place I want to be right now
Grotty. Everything is a mess. Too much work to do. Feeling ill and have no energy. I hate being ill. If I stop, it feels as if the world - my little world by the way not the big one - falls apart. And if I do go to bed I'll just have Bert jumping all over me. Nothing works today. It all sucks...
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Midnight diarrhoea
Woke up with a bit of bug. All day yesterday I had thought it was premenstrual stuff but it isn't. Well not totally. Fever etc. And Delhi belly, King Tut's two-step, whatever you want to call it. I always think there is something underlying even common illnesses. Your body wants a rest or a change in diet or something like that. There's an inate wisdom to even something that seems externally produced. Not quite sure what this is about but don't have to dwell on it either. It will reveal itself!
Monday, September 11, 2006
Tied to my desk
I'm tied to my desk until 3. Dying to go out but I'm grateful, glad I have the work. Feeling premenstrual which means that I really, really want to walk in the sun and I'm having loads of ideas for the book. I even dreamt about it last night. BUT it is time to work. Make some money. So I am blocking out the beautiful world and just getting my head down. No wonder the premenstrual symptoms are shouting out loud....
Friday, September 08, 2006
Hawthorn and blackberries
Short walk today on concrete because of work. It's not too bad though because the concrete slopes off into fields full of cows and ridiculous shetland ponies. Also it's edged by hedgerows bursting berries at the moment - blackberries almost falling to the ground, sloes and hawthorn. Masses of butterflies around as well this year. I don't know if I'm just more awake. Yes I do know. I am more awake.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
This is my office today
You can find pictures of almost everything in flickr. Even my office. Or what was my office today. On the phone looking out over the great pond with horses to the left of me followed by a massive blue tractor, cutting off the PR chat for a while.
So thank you Jason. I am very grateful. The creative magpie in me loves other people's pictures. Particularly when they are exactly what I wanted. Perfect.
So thank you Jason. I am very grateful. The creative magpie in me loves other people's pictures. Particularly when they are exactly what I wanted. Perfect.
Lost in the wood labyrinth
Bert and I got lost today. We ended up right on the edge of some golf course, with him pulling me up and down ravines, panting madly. I have no sense of direction but I noticed I quite like getting lost. There's a panicky bit in the middle when you think god, I'll never get back to the cafe and I want a cup of tea and help get me out here but the truth is the familarity of the tried and tested track is a bit dull. Maybe I won't love this wood half as much when I know where I'm going. Or maybe I will...not sure yet.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Suicide swan song
This was the plan in my mind. In my mind though. Not acted out. Back on dry land now. Sue used to talk about swan songs - I hope this is my black, suicide swan song...
Mad woman
Had a completely mad few hours the night before last. I felt so angry I thought at one point I was going to levitate. Just masses of energy running through my body.
Then the red-wine fuelled ride in the car through the Sussex countryside and a realisation - not sure if it's true - that there was no where to go. Serious contemplation of driving the car into a river.
Limped home. The angry, furious child took over completely for a few hours. Not quite sure what to do with that. Exhausted.
Then the red-wine fuelled ride in the car through the Sussex countryside and a realisation - not sure if it's true - that there was no where to go. Serious contemplation of driving the car into a river.
Limped home. The angry, furious child took over completely for a few hours. Not quite sure what to do with that. Exhausted.
Friday, September 01, 2006
I'm still on that walk
We rushed around the fishing pools; Bert sniffing wildly for the secret rabbits. Up a hill. And then we stopped. A bench, overlooking a high ravine. A trickle of a river at the bottom - I think it's a tributary of the Cuckmere. A wooded slope and on it, a tall elegant birch, its top thin branches swinging gently in the breeze.
Muddy walk with Bert
Deathville is almost redeemed by its proximity to beautiful areas of woodland. Almost...
Today Bert dragged me through the forest, chasing imaginary - or maybe there were real, I just couldn't see them - rabbits. He now smells of muddy wood and water.
The rest of the day has been spent reading "Getting Things done" and not doing anything. I feel naively optimistic about buying a labeller and following flow charts to get my life together. It might be stupid but it could, I think, be fun.
Today Bert dragged me through the forest, chasing imaginary - or maybe there were real, I just couldn't see them - rabbits. He now smells of muddy wood and water.
The rest of the day has been spent reading "Getting Things done" and not doing anything. I feel naively optimistic about buying a labeller and following flow charts to get my life together. It might be stupid but it could, I think, be fun.
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