Cruelty and change

I have always been tough on myself. Achievement-oriented. Focused on doing well in exams and at work. And there have always been times when this has felt pointless and stupid but I've just kept going. Now I am not achieving anything. I am sitting around. Very little that I do is actually bearing fruit. It's a very odd time for me. And for the first time it feels quite cruel to beat myself up over it. Like chastising a child who can't drive for being too short to reach the pedals. I'm taking it easy (for me). And praying that it will all work out. Praying hard! But I will definitely be more comfortable when it's clear what I need to do...

My work...

...has fallen apart. I'm no longer getting commissions. I'm not sure why - the way I work and the standard of my work hasn't changed. But despite sending out CVs and calling people, I haven't had any work for three months. This is the first time this has been like this for over 10 years. It's difficult. It's embarrassing. Money is worrying and getting more so. It's getting hard to get up and stay doing stuff. I keep hoping that 'x' will fix it.But there have been so may 'x's and none of them have fixed it. So, what to do? Start writing I think. Writing what I want to write. This may not - probably won't - fix it. But there may be something else available from it. I'm not sure...but like everything here it's a journey, an exploration...

The path of the fool

Interestingly enough, when I started the ASOS course, I wrote that I felt like a fool. And now I think that's true. I am. One of the things I have realised in the last few months is that the path I am on could be described as the path of the fool. You fall over. Look an idiot. See things a little more clearly. Get up again. Fall over again...and on it goes. It's embarrassing and awkward and doesn't look good at all. People laugh at you (me!) Which is uncomfortable and difficult. But the clear-sightedness increases. As Sia says:"Healing is difficult" and in my experience she's not wrong. Looking good doesn't seem to be part of it. Let's make a list: People on the path of the fool: The Fool in King Lear; Sia doesn't seem to be afraid to look daft (she is so fabulous!); Jerry Wennstrom, one of my heros...and I'll add more when I run across worthy contenders...

Writing and healing

So, how do you awaken to your destiny? Particularly when you have spent nearly your whole life working very, very hard and doing stuff you don't particularly want to do? I've been wallowing for a while. Hoping that things will go back to the way they were - because it felt safe. Three months in though (I am stubborn, that's true) it looks like that just isn't going to happen. I don't think I am going to get back what I had. So I've been in a bit of a dark place. Tohu v'bohu. But even though it doesn't feel like anything much is happening, it is a rich, dark place.It is full of ideas. Things are unformed and swirling. They are chaotic. And it is painful, particularly to my former sense of self. But it is pregnant with possibility. I think the thing to do right now is to start writing (and I wince as I say that...) Write out what interests me and what I care about - healing, detective stories, politics, France, black madonnas, people finding their true destiny, what we are here for...that's just some of it. Always good to make a list...

Continuity and synthesis

It's been a while. I've been busy...I've moved country. I'm in year 2 of my course. And it's time to start writing again. So, this is the start. I'm not big on continuity I've noticed. Or haven't been. So maybe I can use this to thread all the various bits together. Let's see what I can weave...